The Reluctant Ringbearer: A Daria:LOTR Crossover
by Morfiwien Greenleaf
Summary: Daria falls asleep during Bad Movie Night at Jane's. She wakes to find herself in Middle Earth and is forced by the sadistic narrator to go on the quest to destroy the One Ring.
1. Cast of Characters

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to any character or aspect of Daria or Lord of the Rings, I'm just playing with them for a little while. This was written just for fun and not a dime will be made from it. So please don't sue.

CAST

Frodo - Daria

Samwise - Jane

Merry – Stacy

Pippin - Tiffany

Aragorn - Trent

Gandalf - Aunt Amy

Gimli - Quinn

Legolas - Sandi

Elrond - Mr. DeMartino

Arwen - Monique

Galadriel - Helen

Celeborn - Jake

Lurtz - Ms. Barch

Narrator - Me, of course! Who else?

Note: These are all the characters that appear in this crossover. I left some out – such as Bilbo and Saruman – for the sake of time and pace.


	2. Onto the Story!

Daria arrived at Jane's house and knocked on the door.

"Hey, Amiga!" said Jane, flinging the door open. "Ready for Bad Movie Night CXVII?"

Daria yawned. "No, but go ahead."

"Get much sleep last night?" Daria shook her head.

"Quinn left her straightening iron plugged in and late last night it somehow fell into her hamper and set her clothes on fire."

"Oh, so the smoke detector woke you up."

"Worse...Quinn started squealing about her precious clothes being wrecked."

Jane laughed.

"But she's taking it well, especially since my Dad gave her his platinum gold card to replace everything," Daria continued. "So what are we watching?"

Jane triumphantly whipped out _The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring_, which she had been holding behind her back. "Ta-da!"

"Again?" said Daria with a pained look in her eyes.

"Hey, it's a good story!" said Jane defensively.

"The book was better."

"You Tolkien purists take the fun out of everything."

Daria rolled her eyes. "Oh, you just want to watch Legolas prance around with his bow and arrow."

"Hell, yeah," said Jane, unabashed. "And since this is the extended version, there's bound to be more of that luscious elf-man!"

"I'm more partial to Aragorn, myself," said Daria. She gasped and covered her mouth after realizing what she had let that slip out.

Jane smirked. "Is it because he's tall, dark, and handsome, like a certain someone who's in a band...?"

Daria scowled. "Two words: bridesmaid's dress."

Still smirking, Jane led the way to the living room and popped the first DVD into the DVD player.

"_I amar prestar aen_. The world is changing...I feel it in the earth..."

Daria yawned and closed her eyes. When they opened again, Jane's living room had disappeared and she was standing in what looked suspiciously like Bag End. She looked down and saw that she was now wearing breeches, a buttoned-down shirt, and was completely barefoot.

"Now my day's complete," she muttered. "Who am I supposed to be, Bilbo?"

"Bilbo's gone to stay with the elves. He's left Bag End to you, Frodo."

Daria jumped and turned. There was no one there.

"Don't worry, it's only the narrator," said the voice.

"Narrator?" said Daria, eyes widening. "So I'm in the movie?"

"In a manner of speaking."

"Wait a minute. I thought the movie started with Gandalf visiting for Bilbo's eleventy-first birthday."

"Nah. I decided to cut that part out. It was making the story go on too long. Besides, the sooner you're on the road, the sooner we get to Legolas!"

"And my nervous breakdown," said Daria. "Since Legolas is so popular, why didn't you just make him the hero, then?"

"Because this is a Daria/LOTR crossover. It wouldn't work."

"So that explains why pinching myself in an effort to wake up isn't working. So how do I get out of here?"

"Just complete the quest," the narrator said simply.

Daria frowned. "I should have known. Can I at least have my shoes?"

"Hobbits are supposed to be barefoot," protested the narrator.

"True, but I'm not a hobbit, and therefore do not have the feet required for walking over rocks, sharp sticks, pine needles – "

"Nope," said the inexorable narrator.

Daria raised an eyebrow. "No? No shoes, no quest."

"Oh yeah? Then you'll never get home."

"Bag End seems to have plenty of food, not to mention a nice vegetable garden in front. And Hobbiton _is_ lovely this time of year..." Daria sat down on a comfy armchair and stretched out.

"Arrrgh! Fine, here are your stupid shoes!"

Daria looked down and saw that her trademark boots had appeared on her feet.

"Damn cartoon character!" said the narrator. "Next thing you know, she'll be wanting a horse."

Daria considered this. "Hmmm...a horse _would_ be nice, since I'll most likely be coming into contact with Ring Wraiths..."

"To Bree! Now!"

"Oh, all right. Spoilsport." She tucked the ring into her pocket and put a traveling pack onto her back.

Jane popped up into the open window. "Don't forget me!"

"Jane? You're in this, too?"

"Just call me Sam," she said dryly. "At least I'm not Toto, like some other fanfic writers have made me be in the past…" (Crazy Nutzo's terrific Wizard of Oz parody "Through the Rainbow")

Daria squeezed her eyes shut and clicked her heels. "There's no place like home, there's no place like home…"

"Nice try," said the narrator. "Wrong universe, though."

Daria shrugged. "It was worth a shot."

"We're off to see the wizard..." Jane sang off-key.

"Speaking of which, where is Gandalf?" asked Daria, looking around.

"By my calculations, Gandalf should be prisoner of Saruman by now," said the narrator.

"Oh, crud," said Jane. She saw Daria's boots. "Hey, how come you get to wear shoes? I want some, too!"

The narrator sighed impatiently and wrote that Jane was wearing her boots. "Now get going!"

Daria clicked her heels together and gave a salute. "Jawohl, mein fuhrer."


	3. Off to Bree

Daria and Jane were walking among the stalks of Farmer Maggot's cornfield when they bumped into Stacy (Merry) and Tiffany (Pippin).

"OW!" cried Daria, rubbing her nose.

"Oh, I'm so sorry! Are you all right?" cried Stacy.

"I'll live, I suppose," she said. "So I take it you two are Merry and Pippin, here to accompany us to Bree?"

"Wha...?" said Tiffany in her usual glacially slow airhead voice.

"Um, all I know is that I was suddenly whisked away from my bedroom to this field and this voice told me I had to go on some mission-quest-thing with these two people that would be showing up soon. It was so weird!" said Stacy.

"Yah...weird..." Tiffany trailed after her.

Jane and Daria looked at each other and shrugged.

"Hey, it could be worse," said Jane.

"Yeah, it could have been Quinn."

"Oh, just wait," said the narrator, who stopped typing to rub her hands together with fiendish glee.

"What was that?" said Daria quickly.

"Oh, nothing...heh, heh, heh."

Daria hung her head miserably. "I hate you."

"I'm sure you do," said the narrator cheerfully. "Hey, is that a Ring Wraith behind you?"

Daria jumped and looked behind her. There was nothing except a few stalks of corn blowing merrily in the breeze.

"Made you look."

"Someday, Alice. POW! Right to the moon," Daria deadpanned. "Well, let's get going. The sooner this is over with, the better."

Everyone nodded in agreement and they started walking.

"So...where are we going again?" asked Tiffany.

The Merry Company ("Call us that again and I'll kill you," muttered Daria) was walking down a leaf-covered road bordered by a forest and some shrubbery.

"Can't you just say we're on the road to Bree?" said Daria. "It'd be simpler."

"Shut up! I'm trying to be poetic!"

Daria smirked.

"Okay, fine!" The merry company was ON THE ROAD TO BREE. "Happy?"

"You could give us horses."

"Oh, I'll give you horses."

Suddenly nine Ring Wraiths tore down road on horses at full speed. Everyone dove into the nearest bush. After the wraiths passed, everyone popped out of the bushes and began running in the opposite direction. Everyone but Daria, that is. She walked slowly and calmly after them.

"I do not run. That would be classified as exercise."

Suddenly, all nine Ring Wraiths appeared behind her.

Daria sighed. "Have I mentioned that I hate you?"

The narrator nodded. "If you run now, you might make it to Buckleberry Ferry before you get caught or the others sail away. Might."

Cursing, Daria took off at full speed. As she neared the river the raft was indeed pulling away. Daria leapt for it ended up missing the raft and falling in the river. As Jane helped her aboard, Daria said, shivering, "Ok, Mr. Demille, that's enough abuse for one day. How about a lunch break?"


	4. So this is our Strider?

Fortunately they reached the Prancing Pony without further incident.

"You mean abuse," said Daria.

"Shut up or I'll sic Tom Bombadil and the Barrow Wights on you!"

Anyway, they were at the check-in desk at the Prancing Pony Inn.

"So, who are you?" asked Butterbur, the innkeeper.

Daria, who was still dripping wet and shivering, said, "Frodo Underhill."

This confused Stacy. "But I thought you were Daria Morgendor – "

Jane clamped her hand over Stacy's mouth. "Don't mind her. She gets disoriented when she tired."

Stacy's eye's filled with tears. "Omigod! I'm SO sorry! I forgot I wasn't supposed to say your real name! Please don't hate me!"

"It's okay, Gandalf already let me in on everything," said Butterbur.

"What?" said Jane. "He did?"

Daria smiled smugly. "I told you to read the book first."

"Oh, by the way, Strider's waiting for you in the bar," said Butterbur.

As they walked to the bar, Jane asked, "So, Daria, when will those Ring Wraiths track us down?"

"They won't," said Daria. "I'm not going to put on the ring."

"Smart."

As they continued walking, the ring fell out of Daria's pocket and landed in front of Tiffany. She picked it up, mesmerized. "This ring is so shiny…" Tiffany slipped on the ring and disappeared.

Stacy shrieked. "Where did she go?"

"What I want to know is, how the hell did that ring fall out of Daria's pocket?" said Jane suspiciously.

"The ring has a will of its own," said the narrator mysteriously.

"And so does the narrator," said Daria, her eyes narrowing in anger.

Luckily, Tiffany reappeared.

"I wouldn't call that lucky," said Daria.

Stacy ran over and hugged her.

"Tiffany, not me," said Daria. "Not a very concise narrator, are you?"

"Well, if you'd stop making comments while I'm writing it wouldn't have turned out that way!"

"Are you okay?" cried Stacy, hugging TIFFANY, NOT DARIA.

Tiffany shuddered. "There was this big eye looking at me. It was so gross."

Jane grabbed the ring. "That'll teach you to keep your hands to yourself. Thanks to you, now those Ring Wraiths will be heading right for us!"

Daria sighed. "Some evil sets its will against us."

"Hey, doesn't Aragorn say that in The Two Towers?" asked Jane.

Daria put her finger to her lips. "Shhh! Don't give the narrator any ideas!"

When they reached the bar, they found Strider snoozing on a chair in the corner of the room. It was Trent. Jane nudged him with her boot.

"But Elrond, I was just helping her to get something out of her throat...Oh. Hey, Janey. Hey, Daria."

Daria blushed. "Hey."

Jane elbowed Daria. "So _this_ is our Strider."

Daria deadpanned, "Or Aragorn, son of Arathorn, or Elessar, or Elfstone..."

"Got enough names?" asked Jane.

Trent shrugged. "Eh, I like to keep things loose."

Jane rolled her eyes. "So what should we call you, then?"

"Oh, you know, whatever."

"Well, 'Oh, you know, whatever,' we should probably get going before those Ring Wraiths get here," said Daria.

Trent did his laugh/cough thing. "Good one, Daria."

Daria blushed, Jane smirked, Stacy smiled, and Tiffany was her usual oblivious self.

"Excuse me," said the narrator. "Sorry to butt in, but you'll no doubt be happy to know that I'm skipping the whole Weathertop battle and moving the story right to the Council Meeting of Elrond at Rivendell."

Daria looked relieved. "So we can skip the stabbing, then?"

"Oh, no! Someone gets stabbed?" cried Stacy hysterically. "Is it bloody?"

"Stacy, eww," said Tiffany.

"Yes, well, the story is starting to lag, so I thought I'd pick up the pace a bit," said the narrator.

"And get to Legolas," Daria finished.

Jane's eyes lit up. "Legolas is in this? Thank you, God!"

The narrator snickered.

"I have a bad feeling about this," said Daria.

"Wrong universe again," said the narrator. "This isn't a Star Wars crossover."


	5. Mr DeMartino's Council

Daria and Jane were in the pretty Rivendell Council meeting area. Leaves were falling gracefully from the surrounding trees –

"We GET the PICTURE," said Mr. DeMartino (Elrond). "Now be QUIET while I call this COUNCIL into session."

Among the attendees of the Council of Elrond were Daria's Aunt Amy (Gandalf), Upchuck (Boromir), Quinn (Gimli), and Sandi (Legolas).

"Sandi is Legolas?" Jane shook her fist at the sky. "Why, narrator, why?"

"I know, I wish things could be different," replied the narrator sadly. "But he would be out of place."

"You could have at least given us Figwit," said Jane.

"Figwit doesn't do much for me," said the narrator, shrugging. She then went into hiding to escape some crazed Figwit fans who had just formed a plot on her life.

"Humph," said Jane bitterly. "Daria at least gets Trent as Aragorn."

"According to the movie (and the book), Aragorn and Frodo never display quite that sort of interest in each other." The narrator smiled wickedly. "Now, Sam and Frodo, on the other hand..."

"Don't even think about it," said Jane. "Where the hell are Stacy and Tiffany? I'd better go off and get them."

"How come Sandi gets to be the elf?" Quinn whined.

"Gee, Quinn, are you saying that _you_ would make a better elf than me?" asked Sandi, affronted.

"Oh, no, Sandi, I could never be as good an elf as you," said Quinn her "faux polite" voice.

"All RIGHT! Settle down!" said DeMartino. "We must DECIDE what to do with the RING!"

Upchuck leered at Quinn and Sandi. "Give me the ring, and I'll use it well. Grrowwl!"

"Yeah, right," said Amy. "You'll just use it to sneak in the ladies room. For that reason alone this ring must be destroyed."

"Any TAKERS?" asked DeMartino.

Crickets chirped.

Daria sighed and raised her hand. "I'll do it."

The narrator beamed. "Good! I didn't even have to threaten you this time."

"Bite me."

Upchuck looked over. "My pleasure...mrow."

Daria got a pained look on her face. "Why couldn't you have made him Gollum, or something? At least then I wouldn't have to interact with him."

The narrator laughed evilly. "You're forgetting _The Two Towers_."

"Crap," said Daria, looking stricken. "Well, who's coming with me?"

"I'm in, of course," said Amy. Daria gave her aunt a grateful look.

Everyone else stared at Trent, waiting for him to reply. He was asleep again. Amy poked him with her staff. "Wha? Huh? Oh, yeah. I'm in, too."

Everyone then looked at Sandi and Quinn.

"As if I'd go anywhere with Quinn's loser cousin, or whatever," scoffed Sandi.

Daria scowled.

"Oh, yes, you are, or I'll make you be the dwarf," said the narrator.

"Erp." Sandi made no more protests.

"Do I have to do this?" whined Quinn.

"Not unless you want a beard to go with your helmet," the narrator replied.

Quinn put her hands to her face. "Augh! You better not! Okay, I'll go on this dumb thing, too."

"You will need protecting, and I'm just the one to do it," said Upchuck nobly. "Besides, how could I pass up this golden opportunity...journeying far and wide to exotic lands with four luscious ladies, sharing but one tent...perhaps even one sleeping bag..."

"Ewwwww!" cried Quinn.

"In your dreams, loser!" Sandi added.

"Well, it SEEMS we're still short by THREE!" said DeMartino.

Jane, Stacy, and Tiffany rushed in, right on cue.

"Sorry we're late," said Jane. "Tiffany and Stacy got so distracted by their reflections in the waterfalls and lakes that they had to stop to fix their hair and makeup."

"Well, our rooms didn't have mirrors," said Stacy.

"Yah...what else could we do?" said Tiffany.

"Now that you're all HERE, you can go on the QUEST," said DeMartino.

"Wait, let me say goodbye to Arwen first," said Trent.

DeMartino scowled. " OKAY, but HURRY up! I want to go HOME!"

Trent walked off to Monique, who was standing in the distance. As they disappeared behind the trees, Daria lowered her head in disappointment.

Jane put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Cheer up, Daria. There's a five-million to one chance that they'll never get together, given that he's a man and she's an elf scheduled to sail to the undying lands."

"What are you talking about?" Daria said defensively. "I lowered my head because of the glare from the sun."

Everyone waited...and waited...and waited...and waited...until finally...

"Okay, let's go," said Trent, reappearing.

Everyone started walking out of Rivendell.

"Geez, Trent, that was some goodbye," said Jane teasingly.

"Oh...well, we broke up."

Jane rolled her eyes. "Again!"

Trent nodded. "Yeah, going on this quest and all, I probably won't be seeing her again for awhile."

"It took an awfully long time for you two to break up," said Jane suggestively.

"Well, we had a lot to talk about. Issues and stuff. And she gave me this necklace thing that she always wears around her neck. Says it's a good luck charm."

Daria's eyes widened. Jane rolled her eyes at Trent's cluelessness. Everyone continued walking.

"That last sentence was unnecessary," said Daria.

"Shut up and keep walking!"


	6. Big snowy mountain or icky cave?

The Fellowship was camped near the Misty Mountains. Jane was busy frying dinner over a fire. The fashettes were congregated together a few feet away, talking about all things shallow and unimportant.

Upchuck approached them with a gleam in his eye. "Any of you lovely ladies need any help with your sword fighting technique? I'll even let you blow my 'horn of Gondor'..." he said suggestively.

"EWWWW!" was the unanimous reply.

Upchuck shrugged and moved to Daria. "How about you, my ravishing ring bearer?"

"Take one step closer and I'll cut off your head," she replied.

"Playing hard to get, eh? Feisty!"

Daria unsheathed Sting and took a fighting stance. "Your other head."

Upchuck gulped, managed a weak "feisty!" and backed away, shielding his vulnerable area.

Daria sheathed her sword and walked over to Jane. "So what's for dinner? Seeing as we're not up to lembas yet."

Jane started to answer but then got distracted. "What's that up in the sky that's coming toward us?"

"Just a little something from Saruman, I suppose," said Daria.

"Saruman!" cried Amy. "Hide!"

Jane, Daria, Amy, and Upchuck ran and crouched under nearby jutting rocks and shrubbery. The fashettes paid them no heed and continued talking.

"Hey, you four! Get over here!" shouted Amy.

"It's just a bunch of stupid birds!" said Quinn contemptuously.

"Yeah, like, besides, our clothes will get all wrinkled," said Sandi.

"But what if she's right?" said Stacy fearfully.

Sandi glared at her.

"Eeep!" said Stacy.

Daria thought quickly. "You have to hide, because with so many birds flying overhead, odds are that one of them will poop all over you!"

Amy grinned at Daria and added, "And there are no showers around for miles!"

"Hah, yeah right, Quinn's cousin and Quinn's cousin's aunt, or whatever," scoffed Sandi.

The birds were now directly overhead. All of a sudden, there was a humungous splat, and Quinn's helmet was covered with bird crap.

"Oooohhh!" she screamed.

Belatedly, the fashettes ran for cover, but Amy crawled out and waved them away. "It's too late, you fools! They've already seen us. How did I get stuck with such a stupid fellowship?"

The narrator looked away and whistled innocently.

"Well, now we have two options," said Amy. "We can go over the huge snow-covered mountain to our left, or travel through the dark caves under it. I say we go over."

"Um, okay," shrugged Quinn.

"Wait, would that require, like, walking through snow?" asked Sandi.

"Um, yes..." said Amy.

"No way!" said Sandi, appalled. "These boots are made of real leather. Let's go the other way."

"In a cave? But it's so dark!" said Quinn.

"Yah...and icky," said Tiffany.

"And it might have bats in it!" said Stacy.

Sandi glared at them. "The mountain will be windy, and snow will be falling, lots of it."

"Oh, no...wind...snow...hair..." said Tiffany with a look of horror on her face.

"Enough!" said Amy. "There's only one way we can decide this."

She looked at Daria. Everyone else did, too. After a moment…

"Anyone got a coin?" sighed Daria.

Jane fished a nickel out of her pocket and gave it to her.

"Okay, heads Moria, tails Caradhras," said Daria.

"What?" said the three fashettes.

"Heads under the mountain, tails over," said Daria.

"Oh."

Daria flipped the coin. It landed on heads. "Moria, it is then."

It was night by the time they reached the gates to Moria.

Amy boldly stepped forward. "Okay, let's skip the racket: Mellon."

The door did not move.

Amy tried again. "Mellon!"

The door still did not move.

"I don't get it," said Daria. "That's the word in the book."

"May I remind you that this isn't the book, it's a crossover/parody," the narrator interjected.

"Figures I'm no closer to the answer than Gandalf was," said Amy, sitting down to think.

Meanwhile, Quinn was busy washing her helmet and hair in the water.

"Hey, cool it with the splashing," said Trent. "You'll attract something."

"At least I wash my hair, unlike a certain grungy ranger," Quinn sniffed.

Trent scowled.

Daria raised an eyebrow. In a voice loud enough for Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany to hear, she said, "How do you know he's called a ranger?"

Quinn wilted immediately. "I saw the movie once, okay? All right, twice! But it was only because Legolas was so hot! Is that a crime?"

Daria rolled her eyes. "Is everyone attracted to that pretty-boy Legolas?"

"Damn straight!" said Jane proudly.

"Nah, not me. I always preferred Aragorn myself," said Trent.

Everyone gaped at him.

Trent blushed. "Wait, I didn't mean it that way..."

Daria smirked. "Well, he does have long hair…"

"Heh, that's true. But what I meant is that he's my favorite character. I always envisioned myself as him."

"And here we thought you liked Arwen the best," teased Jane.

"No, not really...although I always thought that Daria would make a good Arwen," said Trent. "She's got that Liv Tyler soulful look."

Jane nudged Daria. Blushing furiously, Daria shot Jane a death glare.

"Hmmm…since Sandi is Legolas, I delight in the slash possibilities here…" mused Upchuck.

"As if, loser!" said Sandi.

Amy jumped up. "Aha! I've got it!"

She pushed the door, and it opened.

"Excuse me?" said Daria, dumbfounded.

Amy shrugged. "Hey, I figured since this was one of the most unlikely situations we'd ever be in, it would be the most unlikely thing to do, so I did it."

"Damn. She's figured out the rules. Now I have to change them," the narrator thought to herself.

"Internal monologues should be in italics," said Daria.

As the Company entered Moria, a tentacle snaked out of the water and – after STRONGLY CONSIDERING going after Daria – moved toward Quinn.

"Quinn, look out!" screamed Stacy, who had actually been following along for once.

Quinn turned and saw the tentacle, screamed, and ran into the cave. The creature managed to snatch her helmet and a few strands of hair before retreating into the lake.

Quinn gingerly felt the top of her head. "Yes! No more ugly helmet!"

Suddenly, there was a big burp, and the helmet shot out of the water and landed by Quinn's feet.

"Eww! It's all slimy! I refuse to wear it!"

"Gee, Quinn, is that a five o'clock shadow appearing on your face?" said Sandi, amused.

"Oh, all right! You win!" Quinn crammed the helmet on head. It made a squishing sound. "Why me?"

"Cheer up, Quinn. At least you have shoes," said Stacy. "We don't have any foot protection at all."

"Yah," said Tiffany.

"But these boots are so clunky and ugly! They're almost like my sis--cousins!"

"Too bad you weren't able to get stunning real-leather boots like mine," said Sandi smugly.

"Yes, Sandi," sighed Quinn.

There was another squishing sound.

"Eww! I stepped in something mushy!" cried Sandi.

Quinn clasped her hands together. "Thank you, guardian angel!"

"Uggh! It's a dead person!" said Stacy.

"Stacy, eww!" Tiffany scolded.

Before Stacy could apologize, Amy shined her rod-light around. There were numerous dwarf skeletons on the ground.

"Oh, joy," said Daria.

"Perhaps we'd better leave," said Jane.

Suddenly, for no apparent reason, the door caved in.

"You bitch," said Daria.

"Sorry, but I didn't want to go about the whole bother of having you battle that octopus-thing, but I can't have you leave," said the narrator. "Think of it this way – I saved you from breaking a sweat."

"It's nice to know you're looking out for us," said Daria sarcastically.

"We can't leave!" cried Sandi. "Quinn, this is all your fault!"

"What? I wanted to go over the mountain! Besides, I didn't flip the coin, Daria did."

Sandi was momentarily slowed by Quinn's show of spine, but recovered quickly and rounded on Daria. "So, Quinn's loser cousin, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Daria's eyes narrowed. "Hey. If you had hidden in the bushes with the rest of us when those crebain flew by, we might have been able to pass through the Gap of Rohan and we wouldn't have had to even flip the coin in the first place."

Sandi looked furious. "You mean we missed an opportunity to go to a Gap?"

They were interrupted by a clattering sound. Tiffany had accidentally knocked a dead dwarf into a well. "His shield was so shiny..." she said sheepishly.

"You idiot!" said Amy. "Next time throw yourself in and rid us of your stupidity!"

"But...I can't swim..." said Tiffany, confused.

Amy sighed. "Let's just go before all the orcs and cave troll get here."

"Gee, a four day trip condensed into ten minutes," said Daria. "How convenient."

"Are you complaining?" asked the narrator quickly. "I could lengthen this part if you like."

Daria's eyes widened. "Uh, no, please don't."

The sound of many orcs echoed off the cavern walls.

Amy lifted her staff. "Let's get the hell to the bridge of Khazad-Dum!"

Tiffany looked up from her reflection in a discarded ax-blade. "Where?"

Stacy grabbed her. "Come on!"

Everyone ran, even Daria. "I'm going to kill you for this, if it's the last thing I do," she gasped.

Jane smacked attacking orcs with her frying pan as they ran. "Well, we're doing good!" she said cheerfully. "No sign of the Balrog yet!"

There was a huge roar and flames appeared. All the orcs retreated in fear.

Daria glared at Jane. "You just had to open your mouth, didn't you?"

Jane smiled sheepishly and shrugged. Everyone ran across the bridge with the Balrog in hot pursuit.

"What a terrible pun," said Daria.

Orcs shot many arrows at them and missed – although one of them slightly grazed Daria's hair.

"Okay, I'll shut up now," said Daria in a small voice.

"Geez, none of these orcs can shoot worth a damn!" said Jane, shaking her head. "How do these guys manage to survive in the wild?"

"Maybe they get welfare checks from Sauron," Daria deadpanned.

Amy, who was bringing up the rear, stopped in the middle and turned to face the Balrog. As the others ran out of Moria, Daria and Jane stopped and turned.

"Aunt Amy, what are you doing?" asked Daria.

"I feel a burning need to break the bridge to stop the Balrog...even though we are nearly out and he probably wouldn't follow us outside because he hates the light. You know, the whole 'shadow and flame' thing."

"Er...right," said Daria.

Amy turned back to the Balrog.

"You shall not pass!" She struck her staff onto the bridge. The entire thing crumpled.

"Oh crap." Amy and the Balrog tumbled into dark chasm.

"Aunt Amy!" said Daria.

Jane pulled her back. "Come on, Daria, let's get out of here!"

They ran out of the exit as arrows whizzed by them. Jane shook her head. "Tsk. They'd probably do better blindfolded."

"What took you guys so long?" asked Quinn, annoyed when they finally emerged from Moria.

"You sound almost happy to see us," said Daria.

"Upchuck was getting, well, grabby," she said. "So, where did Aunt Amy go?"

Daria bowed her head. "She's fallen into shadow."

"Oh," said Quinn, solemnly.

Sandi was outraged. "I was never informed that people were going to be dying!"

"It's okay, Sandi. Your character lives," Quinn reassured her.

Sandi relaxed. "Oh, then it's all right."

"At least, until we reach Lothlorien," said Daria angrily.

"What!"

Quinn glared at Daria. "Don't worry, Sandi, she's just joking. Legolas lives through all three movies."

Daria smiled her Mona Lisa smile. "How do you know that, Quinn? The other two movies haven't come out yet."

(Well, they hadn't when I originally wrote this, so sue me! Er…not really, that was just a joke.)

"Sounds like Quinn has actually...read the books!" said Jane.

"It was for a book report!" she protested lamely.

"Next thing you know, she'll be reading _War and Peace_," said Daria gravely.

"Maybe she'll even have to get reading glasses!" snickered Jane.

"Oh! Let's just get to Lothlorien!" Quinn stomped off.

Daria followed. "Whatever you say...bookworm."


	7. Helen's Big Scene

When they reached the forest of Lothlorien, they barely had time to notice the pretty leaves falling before they were surrounded by elves with bows and arrows.

"I hate to say this, but the dwarf talks so loud we could have shot her in the dark," said Haldir, who was being played by Ted, that weird home-schooled kid.

"I am NOT a dwarf!" said Quinn.

Daria blushed. "Ted?"

"Oh, hi Daria," he said. "Don't expect me to ask, do you have any gum?"

"You just did," she said.

Ted sighed. "Oh, for heaven's sake, does every Daria fanfic writer have to make me ask you for gum?"

"Eeww! A geek! Let's go back," cried Sandi.

"Sorry, but I've got strict orders to take you to see the Lady of the Wood," said Ted. "Come. She awaits."

After a brief walk to Caras Galadhon they descended into the eerily lit elf chamber on the top of a tall tree. Helen (Galadriel) and Jake (Celeborn) descended slowly from the dais to greet them.

"Hey, aren't there supposed to be nine of you?" asked Jake.

"Gandalf has fallen into shadow," said Helen dramatically.

"Gandalf?" asked Jake. "I thought it was your sister Amy."

"Just be quiet, Jake…er, Celeborn," Helen snapped.

"But – "

Helen glared at him.

"Damn crossover/parodies!" muttered Jake. "Can't ever remember who's who!"

"The Fellowship stands on the edge of a knife – " Helen began.

Sandi interrupted her. "Um, Mrs. Morgendorffer, this is almost interesting, but according to Quinn we are supposed to get gifts of some kind. Could you just give them to us so we can be on our way?"

Everyone, even Daria, nodded in agreement.

Helen sighed in defeat. "All right. But first, Daria...er, Frodo must look in the magic mirror. Come."

"Can I come, too?" asked Jake eagerly.

"No!" said Helen, irritated.

Jake pouted. "Celeborn never gets to do anything fun!"

Daria and Helen entered Galadriel's Glade. A stone alter stood in the center with a metal bowl. That's right, it's everybody's favorite Magic Mirror!

"What a pathetic description," said Daria. "Are you even trying anymore?"

"Will you look into the mirror?" said Helen, trying to sound mysterious.

"Yeah, yeah," said Daria in a bored voice.

"Daria, you could at least try to enjoy this," said Helen in her normal tone. "Look on the bright side."

"What bright side?"

"Uh...it's an extra-curricular activity that will look good on your college application?"

Daria looked at her mother as if she'd gone crazy. "Yes, I can just see it now – 'kidnapped with family and peers and forced to act out The Fellowship of the Ring as the puppets of a sadistic narrator,'" she said sarcastically.

Helen glared at Daria.

"Er...works for me," Daria said quickly.

"So...will you look into the mirror?" Helen was dramatic again.

"What will I see?" said Daria completely devoid of emotion.

"Even the wisest cannot tell, for the mirror shows many things. Things that were, things that are, and some things that have not yet come to pass."

Daria stepped up and looked. "Whoopee. My reflection."

The water changed. Daria saw scenes from the Fellowship's journey, and then the image dissolved and she saw Lawndale in ruins. Aghast, she pulled away and gaped at her mother.

"I know what it is you saw, for it is also in my mind – "

"Save your breath. I'm not going to offer you the ring."

Helen looked very disappointed. "But then I can't do Galadriel's 'beautiful and terrible' monologue!"

Daria shrugged. "Too bad you weren't cast as Frodo instead."

"Are you freely offering your part to me? I do not deny that my heart has greatly desired this."

"As much as I hate to say it, no," said Daria. "I don't think the narrator would let me."

"Then I will remain Galadriel, and diminish, and go into the West," said Helen, making one last attempt to say as many of Galadriel's lines as possible.

Daria started to leave, but had a thought and turned back to look at her mother. "You couldn't tell me, by any chance, why I saw Lawndale in the mirror instead of the Shire?"

Helen shrugged. "I don't know. I'm not the one writing this."

"Just trying to keep you on your toes. Wouldn't want you to get too comfy, now," said the narrator.

"Fat chance of that happening," said Daria, and left.

On the banks of the River Anduin, everyone was packing the boats in preparation for their journey.

"Quinn, it was so nice of your mother to give us all this stuff," said Stacy.

"Yah…these elf blades are so shiny…" said Tiffany, admiring her reflection in one of them.

"Yeah, Quinn, too bad all you got was three strands of your mother's hair," said Sandi.

Quinn scowled. "I can't help it if she's really into this!"

"Mom giving Quinn a love-token...I thought incest was outlawed in all fifty states," said Daria.

Jane grinned. "We're in Middle Earth. Anything goes."

"The river looks cold and deep," said Daria. "They'd never find your body."

Jane waxed melodramatic. "Planning to pull a Boromir on me? Is this any way to treat your loyal companion?"

"What was that about me, my raven-tressed enchantress?" asked Upchuck.

"Oh, nothing," said Jane quickly.

"That was close. Too close," said Daria. "I've been counting down the minutes until he's out of our hair."


	8. Frolicking in the woods

The boats sailed lazily down the Anduin River and passed through the old borders of Numenor. They were guarded by the Argonath –

"For those who don't know what that is, the two larger-than-life king statues holding their hands up in a stop gesture," Daria said.

"When I want your input I'll ask for it!" the narrator snapped. "I was getting to that!"

Trent gazed wistfully at the statures. "Long have I desired to look upon the kings of old."

Daria's eyes widened. "Have you now?"

"Yeah. It's given me inspiration for a song." He started singing:

My ancestor's race

Says get out of their face!

Makes our enemies quiver

Cuz they know we'll deliver

A can of whoopass!

"So what do you think, Daria?" he asked.

"It's not exactly 'I sang of leaves, of leaves of gold, and leaves of gold there grew'..." Daria began.

Trent looked hurt.

"…but it will do just fine," she said quickly.

Trent smiled and continued singing. Daria and Jane looked at each other and repressed a groan. It was going to be a long boat ride.

The Fellowship came to the banks of Amon Hen.

"Yippee," said Daria sarcastically. "A new set of woods to deal with."

Daria wandered alone in the woods while the others set up camp.

"Or rather, Jane set up camp as Trent continued working on his song and the fashettes fixed their make-up using the river as a mirror," muttered Jane.

Anyways, Daria met Upchuck, who was busy gathering firewood.

"Well, well, well, my long-legged lynx, you shouldn't be wandering alone," Upchuck admonished her.

"Stuff it, Upchuck."

"Rroww! Feisty! But now that we're in more...ahem...intimate surroundings..."

"Don't you dare come near me," said Daria, backing away.

"You can't fight it any longer! Smoldering passion is our fate!" Upchuck lunged at her, and Daria kicked him very hard in the groin, smirking as he doubled over in agony.

"So glad the narrator let me keep my boots." She looked around. "Well, I suppose I'd better be getting along before the Uruk-Hai get here. Let me just orient myself – "

Daria slipped on the ring. The tower of Barad-Dur, complete with big orange eye, zoomed in. "Peeeeek-a-booooo…I seeeee yoouuuuuu…"

"Well, that's enough of that." Daria removed the ring. "Okay. Southeast is that way."

She started to walk, but froze at the sound of footsteps crashing through the brush. Daria relaxed (well, somewhat) when Trent came into view, bearing Upchuck's shield.

"Daria! There you are!"

Daria hid how pleased she was. "You were looking for me?"

"Yeah. We wondered where you went, especially when we noticed that that Upchuck guy was gone, too. He left his shield. Idiot."

Daria pointed. "You'll find him a few yards to the right, recovering."

Trent looked admiringly at her. "Wow, Daria. I guess I should have known that you could take care of yourself. You're the smartest girl I ever met."

Daria blushed. "Umm...thanks. Well, I've got to go to Mordor now."

Trent nodded. "Yeah...I remember. I saw the movie."

Before she could leave, Trent reached out and enfolded her in a hug. "Be careful out there."

Daria's eyes met his. "I will." There was an awkward pause as they continued looking at each other. Then the ground began to rumble with the sound of many footsteps. The orcs were coming.

Trent broke their embrace. "Run," he said.

Daria hesitated. "But – "

"Run!" he cried, drawing his sword.

Daria hung her head in despair. "I hate my life. I wish this stupid quest had never come to me."

Bitter, but resigned, she began to make her way back to the river.

Meanwhile, Trent went over to where Upchuck was laying.

"Oh, thank God you're here!" said Upchuck, standing up shakily. "And you've brought my shield!"

Trent hit Upchuck on the head with the shield and he crumpled back to the ground.

"That was for what you tried to do to Daria," said Trent darkly. Humming, he walked away and left him to the mercy of the orcs.

The orcs, who were commanded by Ms. Barch (Lurtz), riddled Upchuck with arrows as soon as they came upon him. Just after Upchuck was put out of his misery, Stacy and Tiffany wandered in.

"So then Quinn told Paula Parsky that her black underwear was showing through her white pants..." said Stacy.

"That's sooo wrong," said Tiffany.

"Halflings!" cried Barch. The orcs aimed their crossbows. "No, don't shoot them, you idiots, they're women! Just pick them up and let's go!"

The orcs scooped up the two girls, tossed them over their shoulders, and carried them off.

"No! Aaaah! Help!" screamed Stacy and Tiffany.

Trent had overheard the whole thing. "Oh, great. Now someone's going to have to go rescue them."


	9. Off to Mordor

Daria emerged from the forest and saw that Jane was already sitting in one of the boats.

"Aren't you supposed to come after me?" she asked.

Jane shrugged. "Eh, since I knew in advance that Sam goes with Frodo, I decided to skip the rush."

Daria smiled her Mona Lisa smile. "Well, to Mordor we go, I suppose. It's just too bad that we'll miss seeing Upchuck's mangled body going over the falls."

"Yeah...Hey, we haven't heard from the narrator for awhile. Why don't we take a five minute break?"

"Oh, hey. Sorry, had to leave for a moment. Bathroom break. So what'd I miss?" asked the narrator.

"Nothing important," said Daria quickly.

"Just a heartwarming goodbye between Frodo and Aragorn," said Jane.

Daria was stunned. "How did you know?"

"I saw a little of it before I decided to beat you to the boat. It was very cute. Heavy _awww_ factor."

"Damn you, Lane. And damn you, too, sadistic narrator."

The narrator shrugged. "Hey, I had to throw in something to keep the Daria/Trent shippers happy."

"What about Tom, then?" asked Jane. "Does he make an appearance, too?"

"I figured since Tom Bombadil was left out of the movie, why not leave Tom Sloane out of the crossover?" said the narrator.

"And pass up another opportunity to torture me?" said Daria, incredulous. "You're getting soft."

"I wouldn't start singing praises yet. You never know what will happen...there's still The Two Towers and The Return of the King. Muahhahaa."

"I'm really going to have to do something about this mouth before it kills me," said Daria.

"If Mordor doesn't first," said Jane.

"If only I was that lucky. Too bad I couldn't pilot this boat over those nearby falls."

Back on the banks of the Anduin, Trent, Quinn, and Sandi unceremoniously dumped Upchuck's body into an empty boat and shoved him toward the direction of the falls.

"So it's true, then, that Stacy and Tiffany have been kidnapped?" asked Sandi.

"We've got to get them back!" said Quinn.

Trent looked extremely pained at the prospect of having to spend time with the fashettes. He looked longingly at Daria and Jane as they exited the boat and disappeared into the trees on the other side of the river.

"Oh, let them go," said Sandi, waving her hand dismissively. "That ring was tacky, anyway. Yellow gold is so last season."

"I guess holding true to each other is out of the question," said Trent. "Well...I guess we have to go rescue them. Leave all that can be spared behind."

"Not my eyelash curlers!" Sandi protested.

"What about my ultra-sonic jewelry cleaner?" asked Quinn.

Trent's eyes narrowed. "All that can be spared. Or stay behind and starve to death. Whatever."

Quinn and Sandi grumbled but made no more complaints.

Trent brandished his sword. "Let's hunt some orc! I always wanted to say that."

"You said it in the wrong spot," said Quinn spitefully.

"Oh, shut up...Daria's _sister_."

Sandi smirked as Quinn steamed.

Daria and Jane paused for a moment before descending into the rocky chasm of Emyn Muir. The flames of Mount Doom shot above the nearby mountaintops of Mordor.

"So this is Doom," said Daria.

"Mount Doom, or our doom?" asked Jane.

"Even the wisest cannot tell," deadpanned Daria.

"Ha, ha, funny girl. Another lembas?"

"What the hell," said Daria, taking one.

"At least we don't have to see the fashettes or Upchuck again," said Jane.

"Is that so?" asked the narrator.

"You're evil," said Daria.

"Being evil is so much fun."

"Someday you'll pay for this."

"Perhaps...but until then, on to Mordor!" cried the narrator.

Daria sighed resignedly. "Let's go, Jane."

Daria and Jane started making their way into the chasm.

"Poor Trent," said Jane. "Stuck with Quinn and the rest."

"Yeah. I'd say we got the lucky end of the deal," said Daria sarcastically. "We only have to face more orcs, a treacherous former hobbit, a giant spider, and Sauron himself."

Jane smirked. They walked in silence.

"Jane?"

"Yeah, Daria?"

Daria smiled her Mona Lisa smile. "I'm glad you're with me."

Cue Enya.

"This ending is too sappy," said Daria.

"Sssssh!" said the narrator. "Don't ruin it or I'll make you fall into the nearest chasm!"

THE END….AT LEAST FOR NOW

Liked the story? Hated it? Utterly indifferent about it? Please review anyway! For those who were hoping (or maybe dreading), I will eventually get around to the Two Towers and Return of the King crossover/parody.


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